If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.
~ Leo Tolstoy ~
Honestly, I don’t know how I am going to write about perfectionism and not have it become a novel. I can speak on this subject for days. I may not be the president of that club (I used to be); yet I am still a card-carrying member.
::giggle::
See if you relate to any of the following perfectionism traits:
- All-Or-Nothing Thinking: Seeing only black or white, right or wrong, perfect or a disaster, always or nothing. Extreme thinking rules the day … “I had a cookie and screwed up my diet, might as well eat them all now”.
- Unrealistic Standards: Critical of themselves and others. A tendency to spot the tiniest flaws in themselves, their own work and with others and their work. Honing in on imperfections to the exclusion and inability of seeing anything else.
- Rarely Delegate: Lacking trust that others can correctly perform a task. “If I want it done right, I have to do it myself.” On the off-chance delegation does occur, micromanaging is generally part of the ride.
- Procrastination: Incessant worrying and fretting about doing something incorrectly or making a mistake, becoming immobilized; then failing to do anything at all. “I might not be able to do this perfectly, so why even bother?”
- Fear of Completion: This is procrastination’s friend. If a project finally gets started, completion is difficult to impossible because there is something that can always be better. It must be the best before anyone else can see it.
I have only scratched perfectionism’s surface. It’s insidious and can paralyze forward movement in almost any aspect of your life. It is fear — of shame, ridicule, and ultimately can disconnect us from life.
As a recovering perfectionist, there are numerous other examples I could share. However, I would much rather focus and elaborate on the antidote — which is cultivating self-compassion.
What is Self-Compassion?
First, let’s define compassion. Merriam-Webster says:
sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it
Therefore, it stands to reason, SELF-compassion would mean becoming mindful of our own distress and then extending kindness and understanding towards oneself in those moments of turmoil.
Dr. Kristen Neff (a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research and the first to define the term academically) describes self-compassion as such:
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
Ah yes, notice how self-compassion is the transformational antidote for perfection. Lovely.
To get a better handle on discovering what self-compassion is, let’s consider what it is not.
What Self-Compassion is Not:
Self-Compassion is not self-pity: Having compassion for yourself does not mean feeling sorry for yourself. Having self-compassion makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge turmoil with gentleness towards ourselves. In turn, this helps us identify and process what is happening and then let go more fully what is holding us back.
Self-Compassion is not self-esteem: Even though both are linked to our well-being, self-esteem is a personal evaluation of our worth in comparison to others and the forever striving to feel special or above-average. Self-compassion, on the other hand, relies on a recognition of common humanity, realizing everyone struggles, and this is what it means to be human.
Self-Compassion is not complacency: To be kind to yourself doesn’t mean we undermine our motivation to become better people. Motivation doesn’t have to be critical or judgmental to be effective.
How Can We Increase Self-Compassion?
Cut yourself some slack.
The End.
Just kidding! Sort of.
In reality, self-compassion is based on three things: kindness, recognizing shared humanity, and mindfulness. With those things in mind, here are some tips to cultivating self-compassion:
Kindness: Begin by treating yourself with gentleness as you would a small child or a beloved pet. It may sound strange but enveloping yourself in a hug as you would a child or pet has soothing benefits. Imagine yourself comforting a very dear friend and then direct that tender compassion back to yourself.
Shared Humanity: Give yourself permission to be imperfect, to make mistakes, acknowledging other people have been in similar situations before us. We are all part of a play that has no script, fumbling our way through. Spend time with people who will celebrate both your successes AND your failures.
Mindfulness: Personalized perspective comes when you slow down and become aware. By doing so, this can help with identifying what you are feeling or experiencing and then you can match or align what comforting antidote is needed to dispel the discomfort. This can be some sort of physical, emotional, or mental self-care. Such as learning to meditate, finding what fills your heart and then doing it.
As part of my newly designed program (target release January 1, 2019), I will be sharing more antidotes, remedies, and tools for nurturing self-compassion along with other Wholehearted Living strategies such as stillness, visualizations, creative activities; just to name a few.
Until then, please avail yourself to the following prompts on self-compassion and what it means to you … and if you feel like sharing, you can do so in the comment section below.
Journal Prompts:
- What does the word “compassion” mean to you? Extend that definition to “self-compassion”.
- What’s stopping you from showing yourself compassion?
- In what ways could you cultivate self-compassion?
My thanks to Brené Brown for her extensive research on the topic of what it means to be wholehearted via her book The Gifts of Imperfection. I am using her research as a guide to further my passion to help others discover their own authenticity and embrace their own third act of life.
Note: This is the second article of ten in describing Wholehearted Living. You can find the first article “Cultivate Authenticity” here.
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